Closure?

October 1st started off extremely early for me, last minute exam cram, an exam, and some happy birthday phone calls. Before I knew it, it was 2pm and it was the first point of the day that I comprehended that it was the first of the month.  For the past 16 months, the first of the month has been consumed with Dad’s anniversary of his passing. This is the first month that it did not completely overwhelm my mind for the entirety of the day. I am not going to lie, that realization sent me into a complete tizzy. So many thoughts raced through my head. “What does this mean?!” “Am I starting to forget about him?!” “Is this what closure is!?” I knew that none of the above was true, yet it is where my mind goes in my hyper emotional state(s)…complete panic and over exaggeration.

Around March of this year I started to get an itch to spread Dad’s ashes. I don’t know what started the urge, but I wanted to be able to do it as a family. For those of you that have never been through the cremation process, there are many different options. Well, we ended up with at least 6 different containers of Dad’s ashes…various sized boxes, candles, photo albums, lockets…you name it! After awhile I realized that they were just going to sit in the big wooden box in my closet until we chose to do something with them. So in August, the Alexander family traveled to Breckenridge, CO for a weekend family getaway to spread Dad's ashes. 

It was suggested by a local that we take the gondola up to the very top of the mountain, hang a left, and then from there we would know what to do. So up we went as a family that Saturday and boy was the ride beautiful. Breckenridge has got to be one of the most beautiful places I have ever been! We didn’t scope out a spot before hand, but I think that was the master plan God and Dad had for us. When we arrived at the top we stared at the hundreds of people at a beer and music festival. It was a moment where every was thinking "shit, now what?!" but didn't really say it. Well we decided to make it an adventure and do some hiking to find a hidden spot. On our hike up the mountain, once we had a visual of where we wanted to go, my cousin James found a rubber “O". Then, not 20 seconds later there was a golf ball right there in the grass in the spot we wanted to do our mini ceremony. If that was not a sign of Dad’s presence I don’t know what is, it was one of the most exhilarating spiritual feelings I have ever experienced. To be surrounded by God, Dad, and family in the most beautiful place I have been was simply indescribable. We all took turns taking our time with Dad and spreading his ashes. There really are no words, but I could not have asked for a more perfect afternoon.

Selfies on the gondola

"The Spot"

Sissy

The Alexander/McShea family

Still to this day (a whole 2 months later), people say to me "that must have been such great closure". [Insert punch in the face here]. This has never set well with me as you can tell by the punch in the face. The grieving process is NOT perfectly outlined by "the seven steps of grieving". It is a common misconception that when you lose someone you grieve, you accept, and then you get over it and move on. NO! It is this crazy up and down roller coaster that some days I can't even buckle my seat belt fast enough to hold on. Honestly, I don't even know if my friends and family can buckle theirs fast enough to keep up with my emotions! I read a book by C.S. Lewis called "A Grief Observed" around this time. It is his personal journal of how his faith was tested and the various obstacles he encountered after losing his wife. He says:

"For in grief nothing 'stays put'. One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I am on a spiral?"

In grief, nothing does stay put. Reminders of our loved ones resurface at the most random moments and it is so important to live in those reminders instead of closing them out. I hope you never feel like you have to come to closure at a certain point in your life, or ever. Grief is always moving, whether it be in the same direction or not.

Always with us

Pain Demands to be Felt

Yesterday I saw the movie "The Fault in our Stars". Wow. If you need a good cry then let me tell you people, this is the movie to do it. For those of you that have no idea what I am talking about, I won't ruin the plot for you but it encompasses love, laughter, and cancer…three topics that will always pull at my heart strings and more than likely give me a good cry.

Throughout various parts of the movie, as I was taking in the emotion and feelings of the characters, I couldn't help but flash back to similar memories with Dad. Laughter, joy, doctors appointments, and the hardships and disappointments that fell in-between. I could talk for hours about all the memories this movie sparked, when in reality some of it is already written down in the blog, and all of it is in my heart. When "the last good day" was brought up in the movie my mind naturally fluttered off into Dad's last good day. The last good day is where the cancer patient has a moment of reprieve from the suffering of cancer.  The thing is though, you never know when your last good day is. Dad's last good day was the day before Kristen and I were departing for our road trip across the country, and a day I remember wishing could stand still in time forever. Family, friends, food, fun (gross, that sounds like one of those live laugh love signs…sorry)…it was all our favorite things under one roof. As I am looking back on that night tonight, I think that is what he wanted. One last good day, a perfect day, with his girls that was full of joy and laughs and quality time spent together. 

I took so much away from that movie, including the idea that "pain demands to be felt". It encompassed so much of what I have been struggling with in regards to feeling the pain of losing Dad. Pain in any shape and form never feels good so it is human nature to run from it and avoid it whenever possible. I think sometimes you have to embrace the pain that comes your way because it is there to be felt for one reason or another. It may be impossible to understand why you are having to endure pain in that moment, but how often does that pain bring us to a different place or mindset? Pain demands to be felt, so today, embrace the pain and live a life where you would be proud say your last good day was the best day because without pain, how could we know joy?

"Thats the thing about pain, it demands to be felt"

Love of a Father

I've been on this thing a lot lately…No you didn't miss any posts, I just keep writing and never publishing the post. I forgot how therapeutic this blog was for me when Dad was still here. I remember after every appointment or big turn in events I would say, "Ok, I have to update the bloGgGgG!", usually in some goofy tone or another. Dad would ALWAYS say "That's great babe, but no rush, don't stress yourself out". He was always looking out for my best interest even in the seemingly smallest of moments. That is what a father is for, to look out for you always. I am so grateful today on Father's Day  that I am able to celebrate my Dad, my father, and know that he is watching over me and all of us down here. I don't have much to write today, just to tell you those that have Dad's in reach hug them so tight that they become hypoxic [ok…nursing school is infiltrating my brain] and tell them you love them so many times that your words start to get scrambled. If your Dad isn't near, call him. Call him more than once and tell him how thankful you are for him and all the things you love about him. Make today, and everyday, one where you relish in their love because a Daddy's love is the most special gift in the world.

I wanted to include one of my "never make it to the blog posts". The last year, overall, we have been pretty strong, and that is what most people see when we talk about Dad. Speaking for myself, his time in my life filled me with such joy that its hard not to smile and be happy when I think of him. We are human though and we do have our days. The one year anniversary (June 1) was definitely one of those days for me. Actually, I am going to turn it into a week because I truly felt so many things that I needed to feel, and hadn't felt for the sake of trying to be strong for everyone else that week. 

"Whewww, it has been a while. I have had the urge to write here a lot the last year, but every time I opened the blog it was like a 100mph wind of memories hit me in the face and I would get caught up reminiscing instead of writing.

One year. One year? The past few weeks I say "one year" to myself and just shake my head in disbelief that a full year has gone by since Dad's passing. Part of it doesn't feel real, like its still been just a few hours since I have talked to him. Then, the other part feels like I lived my whole life in present time and then after he died I have just been in this dream waiting to wake up. To be honest, it is like constantly having a piece of your insides missing. You always know how much your loves ones mean to you, but its hard to realize how much they are entangled into your being until they aren't there anymore.

And thats not to say that Dad isn't here, because he is and I see him every day. I see him in the sunrise and sunsets, with me in the joys and hardships of life, I feel him in the wind, I know he is singing with me when our songs come on, and every time I see a plane I tell him to have a safe flight. We have all been extremely blessed the last year to have so many occurrences where we feel Dad and know he is there. I hope you all feel his spirit as much as we do. Dad truly lived an exemplary life"

That was as far as I got before I could no longer see my computer screen. I don't write this as a sob story, but as a reminder to FEEL everything you can and need to feel in this life. It is SO important. I feel like I have had so many loved ones go through hardship the last year and if I had any advice at all it would be to feel those feelings along the way.  

Daddy- I love you SO much and am so blessed that you are watching over us. We celebrate you and your infinite love today, my most precious angel. Happy Fathers Day <3

Celebrating Our Angel

We were able to celebrate Dad's life on July 15th and it was nothing short of wonderful. It was incredible to see so many of Dad's friends and family from all parts of his life come out to honor and celebrate him. I was so glad to be able to meet many of you and reconnect with many others. Although we all already knew how special Dad was, it was even more apparent that night listening to the speeches and stories you all shared with us. Dad sure did let us know he was present, we had a MASSIVE storm at the golf club that night. The rain knocked down tree pots and even brought out a snake! Thank you again to all that attended physically and in spirit, and thank you for loving Dad!

If you didn't get to attend, this is the link to the slideshow !

With it now being three months today since Dad's passing, I hope you are all feeling his presence as much as I am. I can't say it has been easy and I miss him everyday but I know with all my heart he is with us and watching over us. There has been so many instances but the most recent was last night while at dinner with some girlfriends I picked up a pad of paper filled with quotes. The first one that I opened to was the quote I got tattooed right before Dad passed. I couldn't help but smile and know he was next to me in that very moment.

Kristen started teaching for Teach for America here in Phoenix in August. She is teaching 8th grade Reading at Bicentennial North and although those kids can be challenging I know she is going to make a huge difference in their lives. I am so excited to see where TFA takes her personally and professionally!

I started nursing school last week which was very exciting! The first day was very bittersweet and emotional as I couldn't help but to reflect on the past year and my journey to get there and honestly just the realization that I made it there. My school is right by MD Anderson so I stopped to see Kristine (chemo nurse), Juanita, and Sonija (Dad's blood work ladies) after my first day...something I had been wanting to do since Dad passed away. Kristine was the reason I wanted to become a nurse so I just had to stop by and thank her for inspiring me. It was such a blessing to be able to sit down and talk with all of them and see that Dad had made just as much of an impact on them as they did on him.

Mom and I have had many laughs the past few months sorting through mail that comes for Dad. The most recent was Dad being summoned for jury duty. Although I am sure he would have been thrilled to attend, Mom let them know he wouldn't make it and attached his death certificate. Dad received this letter in the mail last week:

Thank you Maricopa County, we will be sure to pass this on to him. :)

I am so grateful to Mom. She has been so great in organizing all of the details that you have to deal with after someone dies. I would be lost without her that is for sure! She had a great last month at work flying with some of her "besties". I can only imagine the hell they raised on those trips :)

A friend wrote a post earlier this week remembering her husband who had passed four years earlier that brought me so much joy and a change in perspective. She wrote "four years without you... and yet four years closer to you." And how incredibly true. It is so easy to focus on the time that has passed without Dad here on earth, but we are now 3 months closer to reuniting with him in eternal life. Cheers to you today Daddy, we love and miss you and thank you for watching over us each day.

5 more days!

Hi all!

We are looking forward to seeing everyone Monday to celebrate the beautiful life of Dad! Cindy has kindly set up a website where you can watch the whole thing live online if you cannot be here with us physically. The website is www.ojalexander.com

As a reminder, Dad's Celebration of Life will be held on Monday July 15, 2013 from 5-7 pm at The Foothills Golf Club. The address is 2201 E Clubhouse Dr  Phoenix, AZ 85048

 If you have any questions, please let us know!

-Layne

A Celebration of Life

Let's Celebrate an AMAZING Life!!

Layne has asked me to do a guest blog for her as she is in the middle of moving....so I hope you will all understand if this blog is not quite up to 'par'.

We have finalized the plans for OJ's Celebration of Life and hope you can make it and help pay tribute to OJ. It will be held Monday, July 15, 2013 from 5:00-7:00 pm at the Foothills Golf Clubhouse, 2201 E. Clubhouse Dr., Phoenix, AZ 85048. Please wear casual attire, as OJ would shake his head if everyone was dressed to the nines....especially in the Arizona Summer heat! We are asking for you to take the time to write down your favorite memory, or favorite OJ story, and make two copies. Those stories will then be put into two very large 'memory jars' - one for each of the girls.

It has been three weeks since we lost OJ and we have been overwhelmed by the amount of love, support, compassion and kindness we have been shown. Each and every card and gesture has meant the world, so thank you all for being so kind. Speaking for the three of us, we have good days, and some not so good days. One of the hardest things is learning to live with a 'new normal'.....as the past 18 months revolved around appointments, scans, chemo days and the absolute roller coaster of emotions that a cancer journey will take you through. And then suddenly, it is over. And just as suddenly, a very large part of your life is missing.....so, one day at a time, we are doing our best to move forward. I am so extremely proud of Layne and Kristen, as they are handling everything with  grace and maturity far beyond their years.....just as their Daddy would have wanted.

We hope to see you on the 15th - if you have any questions, please feel free to call. If you are unable to attend but would like to share a memory for the girls, please feel free to e-mail it to me at swastew@msn.com - I will print them and make sure Layne and Kristen have copy.

Thank you all for being such an integral part of the journey we have been on - we could not have done it without you!

Much Love,

LouAnn

RIP Daddy

As most of you know by now, our sweet warrior joined God's kingdom on June 1st at 5:40pm. He fought so hard through his whole battle and all with a smile. We are so comforted in the fact that he is now out of pain and doing everything he loves in Heaven, including watching over his many loved ones.

Dad had an incredible life, he did and accomplished more than many people could ever dream. Even though his life was "cut short", he did so much LIVING in that life that I know with all my heart he left earth fulfilled and with no regrets.

Dad declined very quickly the last week, both physically and mentally. With all the politics of hospice and insurance, he wasn't able to go to a hospice facility until the day he passed. I got to ride with Dad in the transport van to The Dobson House (his hospice facility) and although he couldn't verbally say it, I know he wanted to say "who the hell is driving this thing"...because they really sucked! The Dobson House was a beautiful facility, Dad had his own private room, bathroom, patio, and direct TV. When Dad got settled, everyone let me have some alone time with him. I grabbed his hand and told him it was me and he smiled the biggest smile and started squeezing my hand like he always used to do. The second time he smiled was when I told him Kristen made it safely to North Carolina and was going to go see Nan. He loved Kristen and I more than anything in the world and it was apparent even in his last few hours. I made the decision after that conversation that I didn't want to be there when he passed. It was the hardest decision I ever made, but I wanted those two smiles to be what I remembered from that day and I know he would have a harder time passing if I was there. He was always protecting Kristen and I. He died peacefully a few hours later with Uncle John, Mom, and Cindy around him.

When we started this journey almost a year and a half ago and decided to do the blog, we wanted to be as real as possible with no sugar coating. We wanted to give those who chose to read the blog a big glimpse of what it was like to go through cancer, hoping it would educate and touch people in whatever way they needed it to. I remember a month or so after we started the blog, we were at Dr. Siever's office and Dad was telling him about the blog. He said, with that big OJ smile, "Hey, the blog has 600 views! Popularrrrrrrr!" Looking at it today and seeing almost 16,000 views, it is obvious just how many people loved him.

We have decided to not do a funeral, but a celebration of life. We are going to wait until July when Kristen can come back from her TFA training and give people time to book flights if they so choose. We don't have an exact date but as soon as we know I will post another update. There are so many people to thank for various things but there are a few in particular:

Kristen: My other half. You were so special to Dad, words can never describe that. He always lit up when he saw you and got to talk to you. Watching you grow into the beautiful woman you are today kept him strong and proud and I know that he is with you every moment of this new journey you are on. I know leaving was the hardest thing in the world for you but Dad (and all of us) are so proud of you for following your dreams and not let anything hold you back. Love you sissy.

*Side note to all of the readers out there. Kristen and I had an AWESOME road trip across the country. It was filled with laughter, singing, food, and a lot of driving. When we got to New Orleans we decided to get tattoos for Dad since we have breast cancer ribbons for Mom. Well when we sent our family the picture everyone freaked out momentarily, except Dad (might of been the oxy though :) ).

Mom: My mom has been such a rock for all of us, including Dad. Having been through this twice herself, she knew a lot of the terminology and what we needed to do. Mom and Dad have been divorced for many years now but managed to keep a solid friendship, which confused many people including the doctors. Mom and Dad collectively taught me and many others that love is not always something you can define and comes in many different forms and for that I am incredibly grateful. Thank you Mom for standing by Dad through it all until his last breath.

Uncle John: You have truly shown us what the word family means. I can't tell you how great it was for Dad, and all of us, to have you here on a weekly basis. Even if it was 4 days of watching TV, it was always the best part of Dad's week to be able to spend time with you. Thanks for always being there for us, we love you.

Cindy: I cannot express my gratitude for the selfless act of love you showed Dad. Thank you for caring for him even in his weakest moments and taking the time off work to do so. I know Dad was so blessed to have you there doing whatever needed to be done, these last few months especially.

Cunningham: My Dad's favorite golf partner and best friend. Dad cherished his time with you with every bone in his body. Being able to fly, golf, and just spend time with you was his favorite. I have never met a more genuine man and I thank you for being such a great friend. Listen for him on the golf course because you KNOW he will be correcting your swing from up there!

Kevin McShea: It is so rare to find great friends, especially ones that stick with you since high school. I have never seen tears roll down Dad's face from laughter as much as I did when you two were together. I know he loved the time he got to spend with you, especially driving with the music on high.

There is a million and one more people I could give shout out's to, but just know we are so grateful for all of you that touched Dad's life in one way or another. He was truly one of a kind and we will all miss him so much, but he is always in our hearts.



OJ Alexander 4/21/1954-6/1/2013 <3<3<3