Closure?

October 1st started off extremely early for me, last minute exam cram, an exam, and some happy birthday phone calls. Before I knew it, it was 2pm and it was the first point of the day that I comprehended that it was the first of the month.  For the past 16 months, the first of the month has been consumed with Dad’s anniversary of his passing. This is the first month that it did not completely overwhelm my mind for the entirety of the day. I am not going to lie, that realization sent me into a complete tizzy. So many thoughts raced through my head. “What does this mean?!” “Am I starting to forget about him?!” “Is this what closure is!?” I knew that none of the above was true, yet it is where my mind goes in my hyper emotional state(s)…complete panic and over exaggeration.

Around March of this year I started to get an itch to spread Dad’s ashes. I don’t know what started the urge, but I wanted to be able to do it as a family. For those of you that have never been through the cremation process, there are many different options. Well, we ended up with at least 6 different containers of Dad’s ashes…various sized boxes, candles, photo albums, lockets…you name it! After awhile I realized that they were just going to sit in the big wooden box in my closet until we chose to do something with them. So in August, the Alexander family traveled to Breckenridge, CO for a weekend family getaway to spread Dad's ashes. 

It was suggested by a local that we take the gondola up to the very top of the mountain, hang a left, and then from there we would know what to do. So up we went as a family that Saturday and boy was the ride beautiful. Breckenridge has got to be one of the most beautiful places I have ever been! We didn’t scope out a spot before hand, but I think that was the master plan God and Dad had for us. When we arrived at the top we stared at the hundreds of people at a beer and music festival. It was a moment where every was thinking "shit, now what?!" but didn't really say it. Well we decided to make it an adventure and do some hiking to find a hidden spot. On our hike up the mountain, once we had a visual of where we wanted to go, my cousin James found a rubber “O". Then, not 20 seconds later there was a golf ball right there in the grass in the spot we wanted to do our mini ceremony. If that was not a sign of Dad’s presence I don’t know what is, it was one of the most exhilarating spiritual feelings I have ever experienced. To be surrounded by God, Dad, and family in the most beautiful place I have been was simply indescribable. We all took turns taking our time with Dad and spreading his ashes. There really are no words, but I could not have asked for a more perfect afternoon.

Selfies on the gondola

"The Spot"

Sissy

The Alexander/McShea family

Still to this day (a whole 2 months later), people say to me "that must have been such great closure". [Insert punch in the face here]. This has never set well with me as you can tell by the punch in the face. The grieving process is NOT perfectly outlined by "the seven steps of grieving". It is a common misconception that when you lose someone you grieve, you accept, and then you get over it and move on. NO! It is this crazy up and down roller coaster that some days I can't even buckle my seat belt fast enough to hold on. Honestly, I don't even know if my friends and family can buckle theirs fast enough to keep up with my emotions! I read a book by C.S. Lewis called "A Grief Observed" around this time. It is his personal journal of how his faith was tested and the various obstacles he encountered after losing his wife. He says:

"For in grief nothing 'stays put'. One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I am on a spiral?"

In grief, nothing does stay put. Reminders of our loved ones resurface at the most random moments and it is so important to live in those reminders instead of closing them out. I hope you never feel like you have to come to closure at a certain point in your life, or ever. Grief is always moving, whether it be in the same direction or not.

Always with us

Pain Demands to be Felt

Yesterday I saw the movie "The Fault in our Stars". Wow. If you need a good cry then let me tell you people, this is the movie to do it. For those of you that have no idea what I am talking about, I won't ruin the plot for you but it encompasses love, laughter, and cancer…three topics that will always pull at my heart strings and more than likely give me a good cry.

Throughout various parts of the movie, as I was taking in the emotion and feelings of the characters, I couldn't help but flash back to similar memories with Dad. Laughter, joy, doctors appointments, and the hardships and disappointments that fell in-between. I could talk for hours about all the memories this movie sparked, when in reality some of it is already written down in the blog, and all of it is in my heart. When "the last good day" was brought up in the movie my mind naturally fluttered off into Dad's last good day. The last good day is where the cancer patient has a moment of reprieve from the suffering of cancer.  The thing is though, you never know when your last good day is. Dad's last good day was the day before Kristen and I were departing for our road trip across the country, and a day I remember wishing could stand still in time forever. Family, friends, food, fun (gross, that sounds like one of those live laugh love signs…sorry)…it was all our favorite things under one roof. As I am looking back on that night tonight, I think that is what he wanted. One last good day, a perfect day, with his girls that was full of joy and laughs and quality time spent together. 

I took so much away from that movie, including the idea that "pain demands to be felt". It encompassed so much of what I have been struggling with in regards to feeling the pain of losing Dad. Pain in any shape and form never feels good so it is human nature to run from it and avoid it whenever possible. I think sometimes you have to embrace the pain that comes your way because it is there to be felt for one reason or another. It may be impossible to understand why you are having to endure pain in that moment, but how often does that pain bring us to a different place or mindset? Pain demands to be felt, so today, embrace the pain and live a life where you would be proud say your last good day was the best day because without pain, how could we know joy?

"Thats the thing about pain, it demands to be felt"

Love of a Father

I've been on this thing a lot lately…No you didn't miss any posts, I just keep writing and never publishing the post. I forgot how therapeutic this blog was for me when Dad was still here. I remember after every appointment or big turn in events I would say, "Ok, I have to update the bloGgGgG!", usually in some goofy tone or another. Dad would ALWAYS say "That's great babe, but no rush, don't stress yourself out". He was always looking out for my best interest even in the seemingly smallest of moments. That is what a father is for, to look out for you always. I am so grateful today on Father's Day  that I am able to celebrate my Dad, my father, and know that he is watching over me and all of us down here. I don't have much to write today, just to tell you those that have Dad's in reach hug them so tight that they become hypoxic [ok…nursing school is infiltrating my brain] and tell them you love them so many times that your words start to get scrambled. If your Dad isn't near, call him. Call him more than once and tell him how thankful you are for him and all the things you love about him. Make today, and everyday, one where you relish in their love because a Daddy's love is the most special gift in the world.

I wanted to include one of my "never make it to the blog posts". The last year, overall, we have been pretty strong, and that is what most people see when we talk about Dad. Speaking for myself, his time in my life filled me with such joy that its hard not to smile and be happy when I think of him. We are human though and we do have our days. The one year anniversary (June 1) was definitely one of those days for me. Actually, I am going to turn it into a week because I truly felt so many things that I needed to feel, and hadn't felt for the sake of trying to be strong for everyone else that week. 

"Whewww, it has been a while. I have had the urge to write here a lot the last year, but every time I opened the blog it was like a 100mph wind of memories hit me in the face and I would get caught up reminiscing instead of writing.

One year. One year? The past few weeks I say "one year" to myself and just shake my head in disbelief that a full year has gone by since Dad's passing. Part of it doesn't feel real, like its still been just a few hours since I have talked to him. Then, the other part feels like I lived my whole life in present time and then after he died I have just been in this dream waiting to wake up. To be honest, it is like constantly having a piece of your insides missing. You always know how much your loves ones mean to you, but its hard to realize how much they are entangled into your being until they aren't there anymore.

And thats not to say that Dad isn't here, because he is and I see him every day. I see him in the sunrise and sunsets, with me in the joys and hardships of life, I feel him in the wind, I know he is singing with me when our songs come on, and every time I see a plane I tell him to have a safe flight. We have all been extremely blessed the last year to have so many occurrences where we feel Dad and know he is there. I hope you all feel his spirit as much as we do. Dad truly lived an exemplary life"

That was as far as I got before I could no longer see my computer screen. I don't write this as a sob story, but as a reminder to FEEL everything you can and need to feel in this life. It is SO important. I feel like I have had so many loved ones go through hardship the last year and if I had any advice at all it would be to feel those feelings along the way.  

Daddy- I love you SO much and am so blessed that you are watching over us. We celebrate you and your infinite love today, my most precious angel. Happy Fathers Day <3